I made the decision a few weeks ago that I needed to stop looking outside of myself for the answers to my problems, but to become responsible for making the changes on my own. I have taken my workouts into my own hands and have been lifting heavy and doing cardio on my “off” days. I stop or deviate for no one. And, it’s kinda killing me. I am in this cycle of binge eating and then doing extra hard workouts to correct my negative points. I know it is hurting me because I am unable to overcome the binge eating. In the midst of this I also decided that there is not a weight that I am going after as my goal, but an aesthetic. I recently posted on my WW blog that my goal is not a number. My goal is a bikini that I recently bought. I realized last night after a long talk with my brother-in-law that I had not taken that idea to heart. Deep inside I am still tortured by the seesawing of the scale at my weigh ins every week.
I constantly lurk on other people’s weight loss blogs hoping to find the “answer” or “the secret” that I can adopt and be successful at losing the next 20 pounds (evidence that I am still obsessed with a number). I’ve had a couple of “A-ha!” moments that have brought me to the decisions I am making today. One of these is when I read a post by The Crazy Fat about watching other people who appear to eat normally and wonder how they got that way. The other is when I read her post about The Most Frustrating Thing. I completely identify with these struggles and it made me look at my eating in a new way. I’ve known I am addicted to food since I joined Weight Watchers just over a year ago and started realizing that my journey is not unlike that of people with addiction problems. When you can’t get enough of something to the point that you are hurting yourself, you are an addict. But as I read her blog it dawned on me that I do have Binge Eating Disorder.
I also realized that I am setting myself up to fail when I train. I was reading Squat Like a Lady yesterday and I came upon her post about rest. She takes 4 rest days a week and a deload week every month. It completely blew my mind. For some reason I don’t feel like I am On Plan unless I am at the gym 4 to 6 days a week and strictly adhering to my points. I got into this cycle of increasing gym time because the more I went to the gym, the hungrier I got and the more food I ate which put me into negative points. Going to the gym earned me the points to offset what I was consuming, but also made me more hungry in the end. So, on and on it goes. I can’t win with this formula.
When I called my brother in law last night I was looking for someone to back me up on my theory that I needed more rest, less cardio and to switch up my diet a little bit. He is a very fit guy who lifts heavy and has been doing so for 16 years. I’ve never asked him about his routine or his plan. Why? I have no idea! So I asked him how much cardio he does and how many days a week he works out. I just realized he never told me how many days he works out but what he did say was that the cardio and weight training I am doing is at cross purposes and that he does not do cardio. I was impressed that he asked me what I wanted to achieve before giving me his advice. I told him I wanted to build more muscle to burn more fat. This is what he told me: 1) Eat more protein, and eating this way might not work with WW, 2) Do any type of strength training, body weight, or heavy weight three to four days a week non-consecutive, 3) Don’t do cardio while trying to build muscle, 4) Take Rest Days, 5) Limit carbs, 6) Why would anybody use a scale to measure the success of these efforts? Omigosh. Did he just say that? Number 6, really? What had I just posted on my WW blog? The title is “My Goal Is Not A Number”. Why do I have to hear it from him to have it actually sink in? It really hit me hard, like an actual physical blow.
I am letting my seesaw scale results and my points count for the week rule how I feel about my efforts.
Why am I doing that? Because I pay for WW and I have been following the plan for over a year now. I have lost 15 lbs, (slowly and painfully) but more to the point, I have lost 3 sizes and lots of inches and I feel good about the way I look. It has been a slog but I have had some success at losing pounds (which is the goal after all) so why change it up? When my goal was only to lose weight, the plan made sense. Over the last year I’ve noticed that the people in my meeting who lost the most weight did the least amount of activity. I noticed that when I took about a month off from exercising I lost weight (YAY!) but I lost muscle and could actually feel myself becoming FLABBY (OMG, NOOOOOOO). I am at a place where I value muscle over flab, and a fit and healthy look to a skinny one. So maybe it is time to re-fame my perspective on what I am doing.
I made the decision to take a deep breath and asses the situation. I have only worked out every other day since last Friday. I have eaten what I wanted when I wanted without judgment and I’ve tracked it all. I am at a whopping -39 in my tracker right now. I am fighting the urge to go to the gym and cardio myself to death to zero it out. But I came to the realization that I can’t under any circumstances endure prolonged intensity in the gym any more. I am profoundly fatigued and I can’t stand it.
In my re-framed state of mind I have a new plan: 1) I am still going to track everything I eat and all of my exercise, regardless of the numbers and the weight result 2) I am going to work out every other day for a max of four days in seven, 3)Cardio only once a week (I can’t help it, I love my cardio workouts), 4) I am changing up my snacks to include nuts, nut butters and protein shakes, 5) I am still going to have popcorn every day, 6) Meet my GHG for healthy oils every day regardless of the hit to the points, 7) Keep going to my weekly WW meetings and not focus on the weight, 8) Judge my progress by how I look in that bikini (FOR REAL this time)
WISH ME LUCK!
