What I've Been Doing

Yes, I am addicted to CrossFit.  Can't Get Enough, unless I am exhausted from Crossfit.

And yes, I drank the KoolAid-I am eating Paleo too.  We had a 30 day challenge and after 30 days only three out of twelve entrants remained.  I was one of those three and I couldn't believe it!  After lurking for some time on the Whole 9 website and Robb Wolf's website I made a goal in August 2010 to go Paleo, but I was so carb addicted that I wasn't able to do it.  Over the last year I have been cutting back on bread products with the goal in mind of eventually going Paleo and this challenge couldn't have come at a better time. It was not difficult to take that final step to go Paleo.  Now that the challenge is over I am still on it 80% of the time.  I love a glass of wine, and sometimes I am at a restaurant that only serves Pizza.  I know I can avoid those places and not drink alcohol, but I have never been an extremist.

I am no longer obsessed with how much I weigh, just how much I can pick up.

New Adventures

So, I am focused today.  I made my salads for the week last night, I haven't eaten any wheat or corn today.  No sweets.  YAY!!!  I feel good!

I joined Crossfit today.  I signed up for three months.  I am excited to see what this type of activity does to change my body.  After my first session last week I was hooked.  I loved the amount of focus it took to push my body beyond what I thought I could do.  Last Tuesday I took one look a the posted workout and thought (after they explained the acronyms and other such foreign notation), "If I can get through this, I am a Badass!"

I made it with modifications of course, but I was in love with the intensity and the huge feeling of accomplishment I felt afterwards.  So I decided to join.

And then I had to rest since the workout was a beating and aforementioned Whataburger excursion was followed by Sushi Gluttony and Braums Fudge Brownie Sundae.  Double. Scoop.  It's amazing how much food you can pack into 48hrs over a weekend.  Buuuuuut, I joined today!  Yay me!

Today was not easy either but I loved it.  The challenge of pushing my body to move the weights, to focus on form is relaxing and therapeutic.  I am convinced I will see results quickly.  But as any self-saboteur knows, the high precedes the pits of sabotage.  We'll see if I stay focused or fall completely off.   This was my workout:

And this was my time:

Now I have a baseline.  No, I did not do a Hand Stand Push Up.  I did a Push Press with the Oly Bar.  I attempted a handstand once today.  I got my feets up in the air with an assist from coach guy.  That is the extent of it, but one day I WILL!  HSPU here I come!    That is something I haven't attempted since the third grade.  Ok?

I did take some photos a few weeks ago in preparation for taking my exercise up a notch and not counting calories/points, or otherwise stressing over the minutiae of my diet.  My plan is to keep making healthy decisions on a daily basis and plan for some days that include ice cream or chips and queso.  I re-set my Fitness Pal to be at 2000 calories a day and I'll let you know how that goes.  The pictures and not the scale will be my measurement of success.  One day I might share the pics, but I'm not ready to show the world my jelly.  And yes I have it.  I just hide it under my clothes.

And then I ate this:

With a small chocolate shake.  

My Fitness Pal called me a fatty.  She's a bitch.

Where in the world...?

I have neglected this blog for a while as I went through a bunch of changes in my life.  My husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost a year now.  In early March I was very excited by a positive pregnancy test. A couple of weeks later I was devastated to find that there was not any embryonic development, no amniotic sac.  Just a bunch of pregnancy hormones and placental tissue growing.  Weird, and sad.

I'd been contemplating quitting Weight Watchers for a few months and the minute I thought I was pregnant I quit.  I continued to write down what I was eating and I bought a diet journal.  I didn't want to gain crazy weight just because I was pregnant.  When I found out that I wasn't really pregnant I kind of gave up monitoring what I ate.  I was very sad, especially since it looked like I was going to need assistance shedding the non-baby.  I was in the middle of a TRX bootcamp I'd bought a Groupon for and I kept myself busy with that a couple of times a week even though my eating was out of control.

I'd been feeling desperate for something that would work since I'd stalled out on Weight Watchers.  TRX wasn't it.  I didn't like the body weight only approach.  Yes the reps burned, yes it was hard while I was doing the exercises, but it didn't feel like a tough workout.  I wasn't sore, I didn't see progress.  I am sure the trainer would blame the lack of progress on my lack of dedication to my diet and he is probably right, but the workout still didn't feel hardcore and extreme, which is what I was looking for.  So I went back to my "Weight Training Workouts that Work" book and got after it.  I felt better doing the heavy weight and challenging myself.  I also slowly began working the Paleo eating habits into my routine.  I can say it is a work in progress, but I am definitely making progress.  Wheat and corn are on their way out of my life.  I am just taking it as it comes and not stressing if I eat popcorn or a roll every now and then.  I have to make my eating habits something that I can do forever and I don't know that I can say, "I will never eat popcorn again"  that would be a LIE.

Two weekends after the day surgery to remove the stuff invading my uterus I did the Warrior Dash.  I LOVED IT!  Best fun ever!  The obstacles are all really mental challenges, so I just had a couple of spots trip me up.  I hate heights, but I love climbing things.  So going up and down is no problem unless it is something like the fireman's pole (had a moment of WTF at the top of that one) or the A Frame with 10 foot of wall with no hold on it.  You have to just slide down to get off of it.  The hard part for me was the running.  I am no runner.  I can walk forever, but run? HAHAHAHA!  All the same I made good time and even though I am at the old end of my age group (30-39) I finished in the top third of participants for that group (#249 of 846 total).   I am really proud of that since my goal was to finish and my plan was to walk the whole thing.  I went with my cousin and she wanted to run, so I ran as much as I could.  Thankfully I have some endurance or I'd have died!!!

So I have had some ups and downs and I have really struggled with my eating.  Since I quit WW I have only gained 0.6oz.  So I think I am going to be ok.  Since "abs are made in the kitchen" the clean eating I have been doing for the last couple of weeks has really helped.  I am about to embark on a new adventure and I promise to write about it.  I am finally over my funky slump.

Re-Framing (In Which The Words Realization And Decision Are Overused and Abused)

I made the decision a few weeks ago that I needed to stop looking outside of myself for the answers to my problems, but to become responsible for making the changes on my own.  I have taken my workouts into my own hands and have been lifting heavy and doing cardio on my “off” days.  I stop or deviate for no one.  And, it’s kinda killing me.  I am in this cycle of binge eating and then doing extra hard workouts to correct my negative points.  I know it is hurting me because I am unable to overcome the binge eating.  In the midst of this I also decided that there is not a weight that I am going after as my goal, but an aesthetic.  I recently posted on my WW blog that my goal is not a number.  My goal is a bikini that I recently bought.  I realized last night after a long talk with my brother-in-law that I had not taken that idea to heart.  Deep inside I am still tortured by the seesawing of the scale at my weigh ins every week. 

I constantly lurk on other people’s weight loss blogs hoping to find the “answer” or “the secret” that I can adopt and be successful at losing the next 20 pounds (evidence that I am still obsessed with a number).  I’ve had a couple of “A-ha!” moments that have brought me to the decisions I am making today.  One of these is when I read a post by The Crazy Fat about watching other people who appear to eat normally and wonder how they got that way.  The other is when I read her post about The Most Frustrating Thing.  I completely identify with these struggles and it made me look at my eating in a new way.  I’ve known I am addicted to food since I joined Weight Watchers just over a year ago and started realizing that my journey is not unlike that of people with addiction problems.  When you can’t get enough of something to the point that you are hurting yourself, you are an addict.  But as I read her blog it dawned on me that I do have Binge Eating Disorder. 

I also realized that I am setting myself up to fail when I train.  I was reading Squat Like a Lady yesterday and I came upon her post about rest.  She takes 4 rest days a week and a deload week every month.  It completely blew my mind.  For some reason I don’t feel like I am On Plan unless I am at the gym 4 to 6 days a week and strictly adhering to my points.  I got into this cycle of increasing gym time because the more I went to the gym, the hungrier I got and the more food I ate which put me into negative points.  Going to the gym earned me the points to offset what I was consuming, but also made me more hungry in the end.  So, on and on it goes.  I can’t win with this formula. 

When I called my brother in law last night I was looking for someone to back me up on my theory that I needed more rest, less cardio and to switch up my diet a little bit.  He is a very fit guy who lifts heavy and has been doing so for 16 years.  I’ve never asked him about his routine or his plan.  Why?  I have no idea!  So I asked him how much cardio he does and how many days a week he works out.  I just realized he never told me how many days he works out but what he did say was that the cardio and weight training I am doing is at cross purposes and that he does not do cardio.  I was impressed that he asked me what I wanted to achieve before giving me his advice.  I told him I wanted to build more muscle to burn more fat.  This is what he told me: 1) Eat more protein, and eating this way might not work with WW, 2) Do any type of strength training, body weight, or heavy weight three to four days a week non-consecutive, 3) Don’t do cardio while trying to build muscle, 4) Take Rest Days, 5) Limit carbs, 6) Why would anybody use a scale to measure the success of these efforts?  Omigosh.  Did he just say that?  Number 6, really?  What had I just posted on my WW blog?  The title is “My Goal Is Not A Number”.  Why do I have to hear it from him to have it actually sink in?  It really hit me hard, like an actual physical blow. 

I am letting my seesaw scale results and my points count for the week rule how I feel about my efforts. 

Why am I doing that?  Because I pay for WW and I have been following the plan for over a year now.  I have lost 15 lbs, (slowly and painfully) but more to the point, I have lost 3 sizes and lots of inches and I feel good about the way I look.  It has been a slog but I have had some success at losing pounds (which is the goal after all) so why change it up?  When my goal was only to lose weight, the plan made sense.  Over the last year I’ve noticed that the people in my meeting who lost the most weight did the least amount of activity.  I noticed that when I took about a month off from exercising I lost weight (YAY!) but I lost muscle and could actually feel myself becoming FLABBY (OMG, NOOOOOOO).  I am at a place where I value muscle over flab, and a fit and healthy look to a skinny one.  So maybe it is time to re-fame my perspective on what I am doing. 

I made the decision to take a deep breath and asses the situation.  I have only worked out every other day since last Friday.  I have eaten what I wanted when I wanted without judgment and I’ve tracked it all.  I am at a whopping -39 in my tracker right now.  I am fighting the urge to go to the gym and cardio myself to death to zero it out.  But I came to the realization that I can’t under any circumstances endure prolonged intensity in the gym any more.  I am profoundly fatigued and I can’t stand it. 

In my re-framed state of mind I have a new plan: 1) I am still going to track everything I eat and all of my exercise, regardless of the numbers and the weight result 2) I am going to work out every other day for a max of four days in seven, 3)Cardio only once a week (I can’t help it, I love my cardio workouts), 4)  I am changing up my snacks to include nuts, nut butters and protein shakes, 5) I am still going to have popcorn every day, 6) Meet my GHG for healthy oils every day regardless of the hit to the points, 7) Keep going to my weekly WW meetings and not focus on the weight, 8) Judge my progress by how I look in that bikini (FOR REAL this time)

WISH ME LUCK!

Gym Paranoia

Lately I have been spending more time on the “manly” side of the gym.  I’ve been following a weight lifting program called Weight Training Workouts That Work by James Orvis.  It is really hard being a slightly chubby girl walking into the buff and muscle-y dude section without being a little intimidated.  I am worried that I’m doing it wrong, that I’ll hurt myself and that I look like a complete idiot with my 10lb weights on both ends of the Oly bar like some sort of anemic undersized olives on a giant martini toothpick.  But hey, everyone starts somewhere.  So onward I go. 

It wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t a chronically embarrassed person.  I don’t mean in the just plain low self esteem kind of way.  I mean low self esteem coupled with tripping on perfectly flat surfaces in front of loads of people, walking into a silent room full of people taking at the top of my voice about something completely inane kind of way.  So I just know I am going to do something stupid and embarrass myself in front of a bunch of men.  I usually avoid crowded spaced like the plague, but it seems that I and ALL the muscle-y men are on the same work out schedule. 

So, don’t think I’m crazy but, when my workout buddy Amy and I were at the gym Sunday afternoon I thought I saw a guy surreptitiously taking my picture mid squat.  I mean, is there anything less attractive than me mid squat with ridiculously low weights on my big ole Oly bar?  No! 

I have been obsessed with the idea of what happened to that picture.  Is there an entire website dedicated to goofy workout pictures with hilarious captions?  Am I the butt (literally) of some “oh no she didn’t” blog?  I am not going overboard here.  If you have to sneak a picture, it’s not going to be displayed in your favor is it?  I mean, who hasn’t visited People of Wal-Mart to laugh at what passes for OK to wear in public?

For those more assertive of you out there, I know you are wondering, “Why?”  Why didn’t I just confront him?  I mean he was giving me the shifty eyes as I was scrutinizing him, trying to figure out exactly what he was doing with that cell phone that was no longer pointed at me, but not up to his ear or in prime texting position.  Confrontation makes me ill.  That’s why.  I wish I had asked him what exactly he was up to.  But if I had, I’d be too embarrassed to go back over to the squat rack since I’d made a scene over there.  And I need the squat rack.  It’s my ticket to losing the chunk.

Another reason I am suffering from the Gym Paranoia is excessive sweating.  See, last week after a particularly vigorous battle with the StairMaster, I was wondering why people were looking at my crotch and then averting their eyes very quickly.  When I got over to the mats to do my post workout stretching, I knew why.  I was soooooo sweaty it looked like I peed my pants a little.  I took pictures after another workout to share, but they were too humiliating.  I can't do it.  I thought it would be freeing to be in charge of humiliating myself on line but, umm, not really.

Eating

I have been eating.  Like, crazy eating.  And the most insane part of all that eating is...I've been losing weight.  I have been less regimented over the last three weeks due to some travel, some illness and some Thanksgiving shenanigans.  I have not been tracking my points and I have been making love to chocolate.  Gross?  Too much info?  Well, it's purely a non-sexual relationship, just a love relationship. More like unrequited love.  Anyweigh, I'm down 3.7lbs and this is the most significant loss in a three week period that I've had since I began WW in February.

Two things come to mind when I consider what in the world is happening here.  First, I have been tracking Activity Points and making sure I didn't stop working out.  Excepting for the week when all I could eat was a piece of toast a day due to excessive grossness that I won't even get into, I was at the gym my usual 4-6 days/week. Second, I ate my usual foods, but didn't really write them down.

I am pretty boring with my food.  Usually I have the same breakfast: 1/2 cup Egg Beaters (Store Brand, not the real Egg Beaters) with 28g low fat cheese and three slices of Turkey Bacon.  I have the same lunch: Zero Points Plus Salad with a one or two point dressing.  I have the same snacks: Fage 0 with 1/2 tbs honey and 2tbs PB2, two low fat cheese sticks for three Points and a couple of pieces of fruit.  Dinner: 3-6 oz Fish or chicken or beef, no side dish.  So, I am guessing I may have had days where I went over my points and days where I was under.  (Don't forget the Chocolate love affair) I still earned about 20 to 25 AP during the week.

Since I didn't keep track, I have no way of actually knowing what it was that I was doing.  This really pisses me off since it was successful and I would like to keep repeating it.  But maybe this is the proof that I needed that being so strict with the food wasn't really helping me.  I ate when I was hungry and didn't when I wasn't.  Maybe I haven't been getting enough food since I am sure I was over what I normally ate during the visit to Grandma.  I ate real frikkin bacon people!  More than once.  And I had chocolate.

I HAD CHOCOLATE.  Lots of it, shamelessly.

Every time I went to my meeting/weigh in and I was very nervous because I just knew I was going to gain since I was so off my plan, I would lose.  And the receptionist would say, "Watch out for next week.  That's when it will show up".  It didn't.  It might this coming week since Thanksgiving triggered my carb addiction in a bad way and I am off my usual breakfast and dinner regimen.  (Carbs!  Dressing with sausage and pecans and onions OH MY!  Dinner rolls.  I had two at dinner tonight.)  I don't know.

I throw my hands in the air and surrender to my stupididity.  Thanks inner saboteur for doing something right and then not letting me in on the secret.  'Preciate Cha.

The Hour I Live For

Sometimes I can spend quite a few hours of my day surfing the internet.  I am mainly browsing other people’s weight loss and fitness blogs.  I need my daily inspiration and the comfort I get from knowing that the struggles I go through are the same ones that other people experience.  But the one hour a day that I live for is the one right after work.  I go to boot camp or to a group fitness class and I LIVE.  Feeling the burn, pushing myself and yet side-eyeing everyone else, because I am secretly in competition with all of them.  I feel the most alive in those moments.

Last night was my first BodyPump class.  I have no idea who this Les Mills is, but my new gym has his classes every day.  Since I refuse to go to boot camp in the cold and/or rain, Less Mills is my new boot camp.  I have to say that I was a bit intimidated after peeking into a class one day about a month ago, but I knew that I would love the intensity of that class. 

So I went and I impressed myself with my weight lifting abilities.  I am looking forward to increasing the weights next time.  I am very unfamiliar with kg measurements and I had no idea how much weight I was using.  A woman from my class was very helpful and she was like, “First time?  Try this weight.”  So I was very grateful she helped me out.  I was able to complete all the reps on all the exercises except two.  No surprise here that they were arms.  My upper body strength sucks.  I can do real pushups now, but only 10 reps and two sets max without muscle failure.  I am a wimp in the upper body.

My husband is so funny.  He really has no idea what I am capable of.  I came home last night and told him about the class and he said “you are going to hurt yourself.”  Ha!  I have invited him to join me at boot camp and at the gym and he refuses.  Every time I tell him about my personal best he always tells me I am going to hurt myself.  So silly.  I’d hurt myself more if I didn’t try these things and competed at the Couch Potato Olympics like I used to!  I actually get mad every time I think about all the time I don’t get back that I spent as a couch jockey!

705

18 Minutes.  

That's how long it takes.

Breathing in, breathing out.

Focus inward.  Hush the voices around me.  Breathe.  Remember this is a mind game.  A mental challenge more than a physical one.

Keep the breathing under control.

I begin to feel the burn around 250.  I got this.  Piece of cake.

I am going to beat my own personal record.  400.

More than 400 squats.

I am nervous.  Randall told everyone just before we began the squat challenge that I did 400 last time.  I am glad it gets dark early so I don't have to watch them watching me.  Breathe.

They finish with their sit up challenge.  I am still going.  350.  "You're psycho" one of the newbies yells at me.  Keep going.

400. 425.  "Gilbert, what's your personal record?"  "500", he says.  I got that.

500.  "I'll bet you can get 600", Randall says.

There is no pain, no burn.  Only a slight jelly twinge to my quads and the breathing.  In and out.  Push up challenge comes and goes, and still, I squat.

600.

Count to 100 one more time.

I can do this.  615.  625.  Ignore the jelly legs.  They can hold me up.

645.  Almost half way there.  I am resolved to do this.

689.  Can I push past 700?  Let me see.

699.  700.  701.  Just four more.  BREATHE.

705.  Legs of jelly and the beginnings of a burn that is going to stiffen my legs and make me remember these squats every single time I have to go pee tomorrow.  Since I drink about 2 liters a day, that's a whole lotta pain tomorrow.  Walk it off.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOLY SHIT 705 FREAKING SQUATS IN A ROW WITHOUT STOPPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Steely Resolve

Making My List and Checking Things Off:

1. Track Every Bite Every Day.  I have tracked every bite including the four beers I drank on Saturday night.  Whew!  Thems some points!  And at least WW plans for that.  It is a plan for life.  
2. Avoid My Trigger Foods.  I have not so much as sniffed the bag of chocolate chips in my pantry.  I know they are there.  They don't own me.
3. Work Out.  I went to the gym tonight since boot camp was canceled on account of candy.  How diabolical to deprive us Chunks of our workout when it is candy celebration night!  I might not forgive them.  It was actually pretty good since it gave me a chance to change up my routine and try something new.  I went to a body works class and it was very challenging.  Yay!  I felt the burn and it was the first time in five days that I worked out.  It felt so good by the end of class to be all hurting and pumped full of endorphins!
4. Celebrate Non-Scale Victories Every Day.  I made it through Monday without killing the remainder of my points.  I have 7 WP and 5 AP lurking out there.  I am trying not to touch them.  The splurge I had on Saturday should be enough to last me through Friday.  PS. So what if it's Halloween?  That does not give me any more reason to eat poorly than any other day.  Trust me, I can come up with plenty of excuses on any given day.
5. Plan Ahead.  I made my salads and pre-tracked.  I am on point!
6. Get in my Good Health Guidelines Daily.  Flax seed oil shots!  Water chaser. Vitamins and loads of water fruits and veggies.  I am sooooo healthy!

I am one day closer to destroying the inner Saboteur.

Confessing a Bender

Source

I have been on a self sabotaging spree.  I have had a lot of stress come to a head in the last week and I am handling it very poorly. 

This past summer my husband and I decided it was time to start a family.  I went off my birth control with lots of reservations.  The first was I am so old.  Every one will have their opinion of how old is too old but I am 38.  I imagine what life will be like having a teenager in my fifties.  It doesn’t really sound that good.  The other major reservation is finances.  Since my husband and I both worked in the new home business when we met, we had certain expectations of what our future held for us financially.  Well everyone in that industry is finding themselves in reduced circumstances.  And I ask myself, can we afford to have a child?  No.  Everyone tells me that no one can afford it, yet it works out anyway.  I guess so, but I won’t believe it until I see it.  In the meantime it really stresses me out. 

I didn’t realize that my birth control was a mood stabilizer.  I feel like I am a hormonal bipolar wreck without it.  I really feel like a crazy person.  I was able to handle it pretty well until I began to have my period every two freaking weeks.  And then I Googled that shit and got my freak-out on and now I have a Dr’s appointment on Friday.  So who knows what I am in for with this but none of the options I found during my research were any good at all.  Oh and the every two weeks hormones exacerbate the crazy.  My poor husband.   

Finances.  We don’t live extravagantly, we don’t make enough.  At least we aren’t behind on the mortgage or any other bills.  But it is constantly a worry.

I am so old that some folks I went to High School with decided it was time for our 20 year reunion.  Why in the world does that bother me?  I’ll tell you why, because of the freaky way it makes you time travel back into your old high school self that was insecure and ok, insecure covers it.  I have not worried about what to wear in the way that I did Friday night to go to a casual bar meet up with my former peers since I saw them on a daily basis.  It is insane anxiety and completely unnecessary, but it happened.  So I knew there was no reason for me to go to the actual reunion dinner thing.  If I haven’t spoken to these people in 20 years, the forced small talk would KILL me.  I hung out with two of the people I really still like on Friday and I figured that few of the people I would really want to talk to would be there.  And since I am friends with them on Facebook, we could plan to get together if we really want to without the crazy stress of a freaking reunion.

In addition to wrestling with whether or not to attend the reunion were several events on Saturday my husband wanted us to attend that were overlapping.  We normally ride the couch on Saturdays and do housework so this was unusual.  I was also working on Saturday to cover someone’s vacation, and I hate working on Saturdays and my husband hates it too and he gets cranky about it.  And I get cranky about it.

I also had to work Sunday at an event for work.  I had a booth at a fundraiser.  It was fun, but sometimes crowds can stress me out.  So, as you can guess, after my weekly weigh in Saturday morning, I had a nutty weekend with my eating.  I was very very bad.  No tracking and no gym time.  I continued in this negative space through Monday night because I didn’t have any laundry done.  I usually do my laundry on Saturday so that I have clothes for the week.  I only have enough clothes for a week of work.  I told you we don’t live extravagantly and I am losing weight so I am down to the smallest clothes I own from my previous yoyo down.  So I sat on the couch and ate myself into oblivion while I did my laundry.  No bootcamp.  Yesterday-the same.

So when the shit hits the fan, so does my plan.  I ate myself sick last night.  I literally woke up at 2 am thinking I was going to puke my guts out and I think it is because of the massive quantity of chocolate chips I ate last night (in addition to the night before).  Before I changed my gluttonous ways I could eat.  I mean, loads of rich foods without consequences to my internal plumbing.  The richer, the better, the more of it I ate.  I obviously can’t handle that anymore.  And really, I shouldn’t attempt it in the first place.  It is just such a knee-jerk reaction for me.  But I haven’t been off plan in this way in so long that I am surprised to find that I can’t go that far off the map without it making me feel bad instead of good.  I am not talking about feeling bad as in guilty for doing something I know I shouldn’t, but literally bad sick.  I feel like crap and I felt like crap all weekend every time I ate junk and drank alcohol.

I made my salad this morning and I ate my usual breakfast and I am going back to boot camp tonight.  Maybe the damage can be undone.  Maybe it can’t, but for the first time there has been very little reward to outweigh the bender I am on.  The overeating and the bad choices in food didn’t come with that usual high.  It just sucked.

I can get off this crazy train right now.  I choose me.  I choose health.  Maybe by tomorrow this hangover feeling will be gone.

No Honey, You Didn't Ruin My Life

Source

My husband read my first post.  He said "Oh, I ruined your life?", I replied "What?????", he counters "We only ate ice cream and everybody else encouraged you to get measured and stuff.  I told you to measure and get off that scale!"  Yes Honey, you have encouraged me and you are the best thing that's happened to me!  I have actually made the most progress since he's been trying to watch what he eats as well.  It has really helped me that there aren't any Oreos lurking around the house.  I can smell them from a mile away you know!?  But that brings me to a concept that is the most difficult to tackle when you are trying to lose weight and you are a control freak: you can't control other people!  If you are the only person for miles who is trying to keep a safe distance from donuts, you are likely to encounter said donuts and especially on the day that you most need to avoid them.  What do you do?

You make a choice.

You know the one.  The hard one.

And then you keep making that choice.

And sometimes you eat that frikkin donut and half a bag of chocolate chips and then some chips just 'cause the chocolate aftertaste needs a little salty chaser.

If option number two happens, what do you do?  You wipe that chocolate off your mouth, calculate your points and track them.  Then you give yourself a minute to say mean things to yourself and then you forgive yourself and move on.  Sometimes this happens often and sometimes this rarely happens.  The longer you go making the hard choice and staying on plan and eating right, the easier that choice becomes.  But you still can't control what other people do, or what kinds of temptations they bring into your house.  Your struggle is not with them.  It's with yourself.

It's with YOURSELF.  You can't say it's someone else's fault when it's your own hand bringing that bad choice to your mouth.

Preparing to Succeed with Salads

Preparing my lunches for the week is definitely the best way for me to kill my inner Saboteur.  I know that in order to eat the breakfasts and dinners that I want to eat, I have to have a very low point lunch.  That means salad.  When I first started having salads for lunch I would make them one by one every morning.  I hated it.  I dreaded it.  Well, then my work schedule changed and I had to be at work at 8am instead of 10 am on quite a few days of the week.  And every day would be different and my schedule could possibly change at the last minute.  That meant I could get a call at 7am requesting I come in at 8 that morning.  So that didn't work out for my salad a couple of times.  So I had to begin preparing them on Sunday nights.  And you know what?  I only had to dread making salad once a week.  And I had a foolproof way to stay on plan all week.

I never have gotten tired of the salads.  I have had to buy about six different kinds of dressing and I always vary the ingredients.  Sometimes my salads are a few points higher or lower but that helps me keep my dinners varied as well.  I also pre-track the night before so I know what snacks and dinner will be and what my total points are.  That way I can make an informed choice when I am confronted by someone bringing in donuts or offering me sweets.  I usually say no, but sometimes the donut bringer has brought The One.  The Nemesis of all  of my resolve:The Chocolate Glazed with Shredded Coconut.

This week I tried a new fruit for my salad: Pomegranate

I never peeled one before although I have eaten the seeds in some fancy salads.

I also recently bought these amazing Glad containers which come with a little salad dressing holder.  It's very easy to measure out the dressing since the container holds only 1.5 oz.  I like only 1oz of dressing because the points are very low, so I measure mine on a scale.

 I used to worry that the salad wouldn't last but I buy the artisan lettuces that are a little more expensive but they last longer and stay crisper after being cut than the others.  Hearts of Romaine work well too.

Favorite Salad toppers to mix it up:

Wholly Guacamole 100 calorie packs
1oz goat cheese
1oz fresh Mozzarella Pearls
1oz Walnuts or Nuts of any type
Dried Cranberries or Cherries
2-4 oz leftover chicken, shrimp, steak

Zero Point Ingredients of Choice:
Broccoli Slaw
Purple Cabbage
Sugar Snap Peas
Shredded Carrots
Cucumbers
Radishes
Cherry or Grape Tomatoes (decreases the slime factor over sliced tomatoes)

I try to keep the toppers in the 2-4 points range.  I mean Points Plus.  That's the new Weight Watchers program that I ADORE!

Freakin Frakkin Kickball!

Source

So just mere hours after the last post, I found myself at a new boot camp location where the trainer had the brilliant idea that we should play kickball.  I was pissed.  You know how I feel about kickball.  In four months of boot camp, the phrase kickball has never passed anyone's lips.  But, since I had just posted about how much I loooooove boot camp and how it challenges me but sometimes could be harder, (blah blah blah you're a self absorbed windbag)  I knew.  THIS was the ultimate challenge.  I looked on enviously at my fellow boot campers who called bullshit and left.  I hung out with the other whiners who weren't going to let the childhood trauma of kickball bring us down.  I wasn't alone.  I wasn't the only one who'd ever been picked last.  And, we played, and grumbled under our breath.  It sucked.  I found myself running in place just to keep my heart rate up.  I couldn't catch a one ball headed in my direction.  They flew through my arms as if I had designed by arms to be a basketball goal.  Humiliations galore.   Oh, by the way, I did not redeem myself and I  am still pissed about ever hearing the words kickball.

Boot Camp Baby!

I am in love with Boot Camp.  It has been such a memorable experience for me filled with lots of firsts. 

1. I am not athletic and now I am beginning to feel an athletic coordination and drive.  It is crazy how hard I can push myself.  One evening I did 400 squats-in-a- row!  I never would have guessed I had that in me
2. I always give up on physical exercise when I inevitably gain weight in the first month of any new program.  I gained weight and stayed there pretty much in the last four months.  I have hated it and it has been one of the biggest struggles of my life.  I have had to dig deep to not get discouraged and give up.  And I did think a lot about giving up.  Somewhere around August/September I began to notice changes in my body.  My arms started to get cut and my sides were shrinking in.  My WW leader told me to measure and I did and I saw results.  I have never been so happy to see a tape measure in my life.  I can’t wait until the end of this month to measure again.
3. I go to boot camp even if I am feeling under the weather.  It has been years since I suffered more than one cold in a 12 month period and I never get the flu.  But I do have annoying allergies that can turn into a cold if I am not vigilant.  More than once I thought I had a cold coming on and I went to boot camp anyway.  I never take my temperature when I am feeling sick, because for some reason, knowing I have a temperature is enough to stop me in my tracks and really feel sick and just go to bed and give up and let the cold take over.  I think working out even if it feels borderline has prevented me from actually getting sick.  It has now been over a year since my last cold.
4. I am fighting that voice in my head that says “I can’t”.  It is not winning.  It is very quiet now and is cowering in the corner.  I think, “Who knows?  Maybe I can do this?  Let’s find out.”  400 squats later, I find that I, in fact, CAN do this!
5. Sometimes I wish boot camp was harder for me, or lasted longer.  WHAT????  Crazeballs!  Yup.  I said it!  We have had several rotations in my boot camp instructors lately, which I love because they are all different and challenge me in different ways.  But, since my instructor was all braggy about how many squats I did, every substitute instructor seems to think they must break me, aaand they put me in the advanced level of reps/time/distance.  And guess what?  I CAN do the ADVANCED BOOT CAMP PROGRAM!  Zoiks!  And sometimes, when I visit other locations of my particular boot camp and they don’t know me I try to hide out in the intermediate group until I realize they are mainly focusing on the beginner stuff and the reps/time/distance aren’t high enough for me.  That’s when I feel it isn’t hard enough.  SO I must remember to challenge myself when I am under the radar.  I have got to keep experiencing the pain of sore muscles or it does nothing for me.  (What a weirdo)
6. I look forward to getting a tough workout four days a week.  It has always been a struggle to get the motivation to go work out.  But boot camp is priceless.  It’s like deep discount personal training.  Couch potato girl is pretty much gone. It is unreal how much time I used to spend watching TV and doing nothing else.  It really is like a drug and it can ruin your health.
7. I have become competitive.  ???  In a physical way?  Yes!  I have always despised participating in any sort of team sport.  I remember hating kickball in elementary.  Every one was sooooo tied up in whether or not they won and my whole team would shun me (even though they knew they would hate me ‘cause I was picked last anyway) when I didn’t perform to their standards.  I was all like, “Hey, what’s the big deal?  It’s just kickball.”  But man, no one would talk to me for hours after a game at recess if we lost.  Now I get really pissy if someone is lunging across the parking lot faster than me!  It makes me push myself harder.

Who is this new person?  I have no idea.  She bears very little resemblance to me.  I am excited to get to know her and I hope that I don’t sabotage her.  I am craving ice cream after all and we all know that’s a slippery slope with a bad ending.  

First Post

I have been reading several weight loss blogs for over a year now.  I am constantly needing inspiration and motivation.  The blogs I have found definitely do that.  And I am so grateful to them and their inspiring stories. 

I have tried to lose excess weight countless times.  I know that for weight loss blogs out there, I am going to look like a fraud.  But I am short.  A bite sized chunk, if you will.  I am 5ft tall and at my heaviest I was 167lbs.  I have the pictures to prove it.  167 is a lot when you are vertically challenged.  I lost about 20lbs in 2006-2007.  I was so determined that I drank no alcohol and ate no sweets.  I was very disciplined and went to the gym after work every day and worked with a trainer about 4 times a month.  Oh, yeah and this was before the economy collapsed.  So no worries at all for me! 

What happened you asked?  In May of 2007 I met the man who would become my husband.  On our first date we went to Cold Stone Creamery and discovered we have absolutely the same trigger food-Ice Cream.  Before I became so determined to lose weight, I ate ice cream every freaking day.  Every Day like it was an essential nutrient I would die without.  And my date took me to eat Ice Cream.  I should have put the brakes on, but I was giddy and he was cute and I kind of missed my old pal ice cream.  And so we began to date exclusively and eat ice cream together.  And the market tanked and I couldn’t afford a trainer and I got laid off and stressed out and ate more ice cream and chocolate and anything I wanted.  I still went to the gym to punish myself for being a bad girl, but I did not monitor what I ate.  I joined Weight Watchers in March of 2009 and gave up in May after experiencing an awful plateau.  I gave up caring at all that fall much to the annoyance of my mother who thought I should try to lose weight for my upcoming wedding.  So by the time we got married in February of 2010 I was back up somewhere between 157 and 160 lbs.  I don’t know exactly because I would rarely get on the scale and admit what I was doing to myself.  I was wearing my fat pants again and I hated my wedding pictures because I thought I looked so awful.

A year later I had had enough.  I joined Weight Watchers again after I heard that they re-vamped their plan.  I loved it because it is more in tune with how I prefer to eat.  I hated that all the processed foods were so low in points and fresh stuff was higher in the old plan.  I was so happy to eat salad for free!  I was 153 on the day I joined and I knew I had already lost four pounds before I started WW.  I was off and running!

As I examined my own history in my weight loss attempts, I realized that I am my own worst enemy and my greatest Saboteur.  I need to find a way to kill that part of me, to stop that part of me that wants me to fail again and again.  I think I need to begin my own blog now to keep myself honest and on track.  To explore the why and how of my own self defeating patterns.    I need to be my own inspiration and motivation too. 

I hit a plateau this summer and the meetings helped me to be determined to not give up.   That was the first major conflict with myself.  As I watched that scale fluctuate between 2 lbs over four months I wanted to quit over and over again.  I had to steel myself and say, “No.  Don’t Give Up.  Never Give up.  You can do this.”   That self sabotaging voice was so loud in my head.  The words it spoke to me were so mean.  But I was not going to let me fail.  I had to keep going.  And I did.  The never give up version of me is currently in the driver’s seat.

I am still on a plateau, but I am measuring inches now.  I have lost 6.25 inches in the last month, I am wearing clothes I couldn’t wear before and I am happy about that, but I am still addicted to that scale and fighting with myself over it daily.  This is where my story and Blog begins…