What I've Been Doing

Yes, I am addicted to CrossFit.  Can't Get Enough, unless I am exhausted from Crossfit.

And yes, I drank the KoolAid-I am eating Paleo too.  We had a 30 day challenge and after 30 days only three out of twelve entrants remained.  I was one of those three and I couldn't believe it!  After lurking for some time on the Whole 9 website and Robb Wolf's website I made a goal in August 2010 to go Paleo, but I was so carb addicted that I wasn't able to do it.  Over the last year I have been cutting back on bread products with the goal in mind of eventually going Paleo and this challenge couldn't have come at a better time. It was not difficult to take that final step to go Paleo.  Now that the challenge is over I am still on it 80% of the time.  I love a glass of wine, and sometimes I am at a restaurant that only serves Pizza.  I know I can avoid those places and not drink alcohol, but I have never been an extremist.

I am no longer obsessed with how much I weigh, just how much I can pick up.

New Adventures

So, I am focused today.  I made my salads for the week last night, I haven't eaten any wheat or corn today.  No sweets.  YAY!!!  I feel good!

I joined Crossfit today.  I signed up for three months.  I am excited to see what this type of activity does to change my body.  After my first session last week I was hooked.  I loved the amount of focus it took to push my body beyond what I thought I could do.  Last Tuesday I took one look a the posted workout and thought (after they explained the acronyms and other such foreign notation), "If I can get through this, I am a Badass!"

I made it with modifications of course, but I was in love with the intensity and the huge feeling of accomplishment I felt afterwards.  So I decided to join.

And then I had to rest since the workout was a beating and aforementioned Whataburger excursion was followed by Sushi Gluttony and Braums Fudge Brownie Sundae.  Double. Scoop.  It's amazing how much food you can pack into 48hrs over a weekend.  Buuuuuut, I joined today!  Yay me!

Today was not easy either but I loved it.  The challenge of pushing my body to move the weights, to focus on form is relaxing and therapeutic.  I am convinced I will see results quickly.  But as any self-saboteur knows, the high precedes the pits of sabotage.  We'll see if I stay focused or fall completely off.   This was my workout:

And this was my time:

Now I have a baseline.  No, I did not do a Hand Stand Push Up.  I did a Push Press with the Oly Bar.  I attempted a handstand once today.  I got my feets up in the air with an assist from coach guy.  That is the extent of it, but one day I WILL!  HSPU here I come!    That is something I haven't attempted since the third grade.  Ok?

I did take some photos a few weeks ago in preparation for taking my exercise up a notch and not counting calories/points, or otherwise stressing over the minutiae of my diet.  My plan is to keep making healthy decisions on a daily basis and plan for some days that include ice cream or chips and queso.  I re-set my Fitness Pal to be at 2000 calories a day and I'll let you know how that goes.  The pictures and not the scale will be my measurement of success.  One day I might share the pics, but I'm not ready to show the world my jelly.  And yes I have it.  I just hide it under my clothes.

And then I ate this:

With a small chocolate shake.  

My Fitness Pal called me a fatty.  She's a bitch.

Where in the world...?

I have neglected this blog for a while as I went through a bunch of changes in my life.  My husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost a year now.  In early March I was very excited by a positive pregnancy test. A couple of weeks later I was devastated to find that there was not any embryonic development, no amniotic sac.  Just a bunch of pregnancy hormones and placental tissue growing.  Weird, and sad.

I'd been contemplating quitting Weight Watchers for a few months and the minute I thought I was pregnant I quit.  I continued to write down what I was eating and I bought a diet journal.  I didn't want to gain crazy weight just because I was pregnant.  When I found out that I wasn't really pregnant I kind of gave up monitoring what I ate.  I was very sad, especially since it looked like I was going to need assistance shedding the non-baby.  I was in the middle of a TRX bootcamp I'd bought a Groupon for and I kept myself busy with that a couple of times a week even though my eating was out of control.

I'd been feeling desperate for something that would work since I'd stalled out on Weight Watchers.  TRX wasn't it.  I didn't like the body weight only approach.  Yes the reps burned, yes it was hard while I was doing the exercises, but it didn't feel like a tough workout.  I wasn't sore, I didn't see progress.  I am sure the trainer would blame the lack of progress on my lack of dedication to my diet and he is probably right, but the workout still didn't feel hardcore and extreme, which is what I was looking for.  So I went back to my "Weight Training Workouts that Work" book and got after it.  I felt better doing the heavy weight and challenging myself.  I also slowly began working the Paleo eating habits into my routine.  I can say it is a work in progress, but I am definitely making progress.  Wheat and corn are on their way out of my life.  I am just taking it as it comes and not stressing if I eat popcorn or a roll every now and then.  I have to make my eating habits something that I can do forever and I don't know that I can say, "I will never eat popcorn again"  that would be a LIE.

Two weekends after the day surgery to remove the stuff invading my uterus I did the Warrior Dash.  I LOVED IT!  Best fun ever!  The obstacles are all really mental challenges, so I just had a couple of spots trip me up.  I hate heights, but I love climbing things.  So going up and down is no problem unless it is something like the fireman's pole (had a moment of WTF at the top of that one) or the A Frame with 10 foot of wall with no hold on it.  You have to just slide down to get off of it.  The hard part for me was the running.  I am no runner.  I can walk forever, but run? HAHAHAHA!  All the same I made good time and even though I am at the old end of my age group (30-39) I finished in the top third of participants for that group (#249 of 846 total).   I am really proud of that since my goal was to finish and my plan was to walk the whole thing.  I went with my cousin and she wanted to run, so I ran as much as I could.  Thankfully I have some endurance or I'd have died!!!

So I have had some ups and downs and I have really struggled with my eating.  Since I quit WW I have only gained 0.6oz.  So I think I am going to be ok.  Since "abs are made in the kitchen" the clean eating I have been doing for the last couple of weeks has really helped.  I am about to embark on a new adventure and I promise to write about it.  I am finally over my funky slump.

Re-Framing (In Which The Words Realization And Decision Are Overused and Abused)

I made the decision a few weeks ago that I needed to stop looking outside of myself for the answers to my problems, but to become responsible for making the changes on my own.  I have taken my workouts into my own hands and have been lifting heavy and doing cardio on my “off” days.  I stop or deviate for no one.  And, it’s kinda killing me.  I am in this cycle of binge eating and then doing extra hard workouts to correct my negative points.  I know it is hurting me because I am unable to overcome the binge eating.  In the midst of this I also decided that there is not a weight that I am going after as my goal, but an aesthetic.  I recently posted on my WW blog that my goal is not a number.  My goal is a bikini that I recently bought.  I realized last night after a long talk with my brother-in-law that I had not taken that idea to heart.  Deep inside I am still tortured by the seesawing of the scale at my weigh ins every week. 

I constantly lurk on other people’s weight loss blogs hoping to find the “answer” or “the secret” that I can adopt and be successful at losing the next 20 pounds (evidence that I am still obsessed with a number).  I’ve had a couple of “A-ha!” moments that have brought me to the decisions I am making today.  One of these is when I read a post by The Crazy Fat about watching other people who appear to eat normally and wonder how they got that way.  The other is when I read her post about The Most Frustrating Thing.  I completely identify with these struggles and it made me look at my eating in a new way.  I’ve known I am addicted to food since I joined Weight Watchers just over a year ago and started realizing that my journey is not unlike that of people with addiction problems.  When you can’t get enough of something to the point that you are hurting yourself, you are an addict.  But as I read her blog it dawned on me that I do have Binge Eating Disorder. 

I also realized that I am setting myself up to fail when I train.  I was reading Squat Like a Lady yesterday and I came upon her post about rest.  She takes 4 rest days a week and a deload week every month.  It completely blew my mind.  For some reason I don’t feel like I am On Plan unless I am at the gym 4 to 6 days a week and strictly adhering to my points.  I got into this cycle of increasing gym time because the more I went to the gym, the hungrier I got and the more food I ate which put me into negative points.  Going to the gym earned me the points to offset what I was consuming, but also made me more hungry in the end.  So, on and on it goes.  I can’t win with this formula. 

When I called my brother in law last night I was looking for someone to back me up on my theory that I needed more rest, less cardio and to switch up my diet a little bit.  He is a very fit guy who lifts heavy and has been doing so for 16 years.  I’ve never asked him about his routine or his plan.  Why?  I have no idea!  So I asked him how much cardio he does and how many days a week he works out.  I just realized he never told me how many days he works out but what he did say was that the cardio and weight training I am doing is at cross purposes and that he does not do cardio.  I was impressed that he asked me what I wanted to achieve before giving me his advice.  I told him I wanted to build more muscle to burn more fat.  This is what he told me: 1) Eat more protein, and eating this way might not work with WW, 2) Do any type of strength training, body weight, or heavy weight three to four days a week non-consecutive, 3) Don’t do cardio while trying to build muscle, 4) Take Rest Days, 5) Limit carbs, 6) Why would anybody use a scale to measure the success of these efforts?  Omigosh.  Did he just say that?  Number 6, really?  What had I just posted on my WW blog?  The title is “My Goal Is Not A Number”.  Why do I have to hear it from him to have it actually sink in?  It really hit me hard, like an actual physical blow. 

I am letting my seesaw scale results and my points count for the week rule how I feel about my efforts. 

Why am I doing that?  Because I pay for WW and I have been following the plan for over a year now.  I have lost 15 lbs, (slowly and painfully) but more to the point, I have lost 3 sizes and lots of inches and I feel good about the way I look.  It has been a slog but I have had some success at losing pounds (which is the goal after all) so why change it up?  When my goal was only to lose weight, the plan made sense.  Over the last year I’ve noticed that the people in my meeting who lost the most weight did the least amount of activity.  I noticed that when I took about a month off from exercising I lost weight (YAY!) but I lost muscle and could actually feel myself becoming FLABBY (OMG, NOOOOOOO).  I am at a place where I value muscle over flab, and a fit and healthy look to a skinny one.  So maybe it is time to re-fame my perspective on what I am doing. 

I made the decision to take a deep breath and asses the situation.  I have only worked out every other day since last Friday.  I have eaten what I wanted when I wanted without judgment and I’ve tracked it all.  I am at a whopping -39 in my tracker right now.  I am fighting the urge to go to the gym and cardio myself to death to zero it out.  But I came to the realization that I can’t under any circumstances endure prolonged intensity in the gym any more.  I am profoundly fatigued and I can’t stand it. 

In my re-framed state of mind I have a new plan: 1) I am still going to track everything I eat and all of my exercise, regardless of the numbers and the weight result 2) I am going to work out every other day for a max of four days in seven, 3)Cardio only once a week (I can’t help it, I love my cardio workouts), 4)  I am changing up my snacks to include nuts, nut butters and protein shakes, 5) I am still going to have popcorn every day, 6) Meet my GHG for healthy oils every day regardless of the hit to the points, 7) Keep going to my weekly WW meetings and not focus on the weight, 8) Judge my progress by how I look in that bikini (FOR REAL this time)

WISH ME LUCK!

Gym Paranoia

Lately I have been spending more time on the “manly” side of the gym.  I’ve been following a weight lifting program called Weight Training Workouts That Work by James Orvis.  It is really hard being a slightly chubby girl walking into the buff and muscle-y dude section without being a little intimidated.  I am worried that I’m doing it wrong, that I’ll hurt myself and that I look like a complete idiot with my 10lb weights on both ends of the Oly bar like some sort of anemic undersized olives on a giant martini toothpick.  But hey, everyone starts somewhere.  So onward I go. 

It wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t a chronically embarrassed person.  I don’t mean in the just plain low self esteem kind of way.  I mean low self esteem coupled with tripping on perfectly flat surfaces in front of loads of people, walking into a silent room full of people taking at the top of my voice about something completely inane kind of way.  So I just know I am going to do something stupid and embarrass myself in front of a bunch of men.  I usually avoid crowded spaced like the plague, but it seems that I and ALL the muscle-y men are on the same work out schedule. 

So, don’t think I’m crazy but, when my workout buddy Amy and I were at the gym Sunday afternoon I thought I saw a guy surreptitiously taking my picture mid squat.  I mean, is there anything less attractive than me mid squat with ridiculously low weights on my big ole Oly bar?  No! 

I have been obsessed with the idea of what happened to that picture.  Is there an entire website dedicated to goofy workout pictures with hilarious captions?  Am I the butt (literally) of some “oh no she didn’t” blog?  I am not going overboard here.  If you have to sneak a picture, it’s not going to be displayed in your favor is it?  I mean, who hasn’t visited People of Wal-Mart to laugh at what passes for OK to wear in public?

For those more assertive of you out there, I know you are wondering, “Why?”  Why didn’t I just confront him?  I mean he was giving me the shifty eyes as I was scrutinizing him, trying to figure out exactly what he was doing with that cell phone that was no longer pointed at me, but not up to his ear or in prime texting position.  Confrontation makes me ill.  That’s why.  I wish I had asked him what exactly he was up to.  But if I had, I’d be too embarrassed to go back over to the squat rack since I’d made a scene over there.  And I need the squat rack.  It’s my ticket to losing the chunk.

Another reason I am suffering from the Gym Paranoia is excessive sweating.  See, last week after a particularly vigorous battle with the StairMaster, I was wondering why people were looking at my crotch and then averting their eyes very quickly.  When I got over to the mats to do my post workout stretching, I knew why.  I was soooooo sweaty it looked like I peed my pants a little.  I took pictures after another workout to share, but they were too humiliating.  I can't do it.  I thought it would be freeing to be in charge of humiliating myself on line but, umm, not really.

Eating

I have been eating.  Like, crazy eating.  And the most insane part of all that eating is...I've been losing weight.  I have been less regimented over the last three weeks due to some travel, some illness and some Thanksgiving shenanigans.  I have not been tracking my points and I have been making love to chocolate.  Gross?  Too much info?  Well, it's purely a non-sexual relationship, just a love relationship. More like unrequited love.  Anyweigh, I'm down 3.7lbs and this is the most significant loss in a three week period that I've had since I began WW in February.

Two things come to mind when I consider what in the world is happening here.  First, I have been tracking Activity Points and making sure I didn't stop working out.  Excepting for the week when all I could eat was a piece of toast a day due to excessive grossness that I won't even get into, I was at the gym my usual 4-6 days/week. Second, I ate my usual foods, but didn't really write them down.

I am pretty boring with my food.  Usually I have the same breakfast: 1/2 cup Egg Beaters (Store Brand, not the real Egg Beaters) with 28g low fat cheese and three slices of Turkey Bacon.  I have the same lunch: Zero Points Plus Salad with a one or two point dressing.  I have the same snacks: Fage 0 with 1/2 tbs honey and 2tbs PB2, two low fat cheese sticks for three Points and a couple of pieces of fruit.  Dinner: 3-6 oz Fish or chicken or beef, no side dish.  So, I am guessing I may have had days where I went over my points and days where I was under.  (Don't forget the Chocolate love affair) I still earned about 20 to 25 AP during the week.

Since I didn't keep track, I have no way of actually knowing what it was that I was doing.  This really pisses me off since it was successful and I would like to keep repeating it.  But maybe this is the proof that I needed that being so strict with the food wasn't really helping me.  I ate when I was hungry and didn't when I wasn't.  Maybe I haven't been getting enough food since I am sure I was over what I normally ate during the visit to Grandma.  I ate real frikkin bacon people!  More than once.  And I had chocolate.

I HAD CHOCOLATE.  Lots of it, shamelessly.

Every time I went to my meeting/weigh in and I was very nervous because I just knew I was going to gain since I was so off my plan, I would lose.  And the receptionist would say, "Watch out for next week.  That's when it will show up".  It didn't.  It might this coming week since Thanksgiving triggered my carb addiction in a bad way and I am off my usual breakfast and dinner regimen.  (Carbs!  Dressing with sausage and pecans and onions OH MY!  Dinner rolls.  I had two at dinner tonight.)  I don't know.

I throw my hands in the air and surrender to my stupididity.  Thanks inner saboteur for doing something right and then not letting me in on the secret.  'Preciate Cha.